I am

I am a strong woman and a strict mother. I want to be happy with what I have. I have acceptance for those who are different. I wish for true love. I hate injustice. I fear the unthinkable and unknown. I hear it all; but listen selectively. I search for the reason why it all happens. I wonder how other people feel. I regret so many things. I love my daughter. I ache for what I have lost. I always hope for the best. I usually look at the other person's point of view. I am not a doormat. I dance with my daughter. I sing all the time. I never forget. I rarely express my true feelings. I cry for who I love, the things I can't take back, and the situations I put myself in. I am not always smiling on the inside. I lose valuable time. I'm confused about the difference between just loving someone and true love. I need advice. I should be more focused. I dream of sharing my life with him.

GRRRRR

So every day on Myspace I check my horoscope. Usually, it's just a general reading and could be applied to most any situation. Being in a bad mood today for various, I was hoping for a good one to make me say HMMMMM. Well, I checked it and was very surprised:

"You are quite familiar with having powerful emotional reactions

to a personal situation, but it might be quite a challenge today

to tell anyone what's on your mind. You are ready to break

the mold, but you don't want to disturb anything in the process

of breaking free. Take it slowly at first while continuing to plan big."

Ok, so this totally applies to me today. I don't have a car right now, and so have to rely on friends and family to tote me everywhere. I hate asking people for rides; it really sucks. Today, while my daughter was at church with my daughter, I was at the laundry mat washing clothes. Usually takes me right at 2 hrs to finish washing, drying, and folding; no problem. Well because church is over until 12 or 12:30, I had to wait for my mom to go pick my sibling up and then come get me and that was almost 1:30; 2 hrs after I was done with the laundry. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help. I wasted 2 hrs that could've been used cleaning house, putting away the clean clothes, etc. I did just sit and relax for about 30 mins, but after that....well it put me in a bad mood.

Then a friend had a birthday party for her little girl who is also in my daughter's kindergarten class that was at a park out in the county. We wanted to go; but because had already been bitching that morning about the gas, I didn't ask her to take us. So needless to say, we didn't go and that just put me in a worse mood.

When I'm in a bad mood, I usually just eat whatever is in the cabinets. Well, I have found a substitute for eating whatever (had to change this to keep from gaining lost weight back). I sleep. So Taryn was sleepy and ready for a nap, so we both just slept for a few hours. Didn't get me a better mood, but oh well.

Well back to my horoscope. I am planning some big things; but that's just it - planning. I can't seem to get my footing in executing these plans. I don't know what it is, though, that's keeping me from doing what I need to do. I do the minimum. I go to work, make sure Taryn goes to school, keep a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs - the minimum. I want to find a way to do more, but not sure where to go or how to get there. Wish insurance paid for life coaches; maybe I will have to check in to that.

"It's like a big chuck of dough!" LOL

Reading session

After many nights of frustration with my daughter Taryn and her reading assignment, I have finally found something that works.

Here is how it goes. Taryn comes home with a different beginning reading book every Monday. We are supposed to work on reading every night and write down the time and date of our reading session. Then I am to sign each entry. The book along with that weeks homework is then to be turned in every Friday.

Taryn has a letter and word ring. Different words are added each day or week as she learns and recognizes them. She has the letters downpat and from what she says, her name is on the Superstar board. So when we review the words she seems to know them but is unsure and will not say anything. She will just sit there. It aggravates the piss out of me and my patience just flys out the window. So when we go to read the book and I know she knows the words, she still just sits there. I'm feeling bad each time we end a reading session because they never end well. I either get upset because she doesn't try or she takes too long or whatever. Well tonite I had a bright idea.

I had Taryn take her book to the table. I gave her 15 mins to review the story (in total 45 words), sound the words out, and read the book to herself. She asked for help with one word. So after the 15 mins she was able to read the book by herself with the exception of 2 words. WOW!!!! I was so proud of her for reading the book and proud of myself for not getting mad and impatient.

Just to make sure she wasn't just memorizing the sentences and reading based on the pictures, I mixed things up a little bit. I had her read each page with the pictures covered. I then had her read just random pages. She passed both with flying colors. Then came the hard one. I told her I wanted her to read the book backwards. I meant from the last page to the first. She had another idea. She started to read the last page backwards. I started laughing. She said her infamous "What?" with a innocent look on her face. Then she said, "Ohhhh! You wanted me to read the book backwards, not the words!!!" I just shook my head and laughed; it was really cute. Anyway reading the book proved to be a bit difficult for her. But she stuck with it and I didn't lose my patience and get mad. Needless to say this reading session last 40 mins; our longest since school started.

Then to top off the wonderful session; Taryn said, "Mommy, I'm going to read the book to you like parents do. Once upon a time....." All I did was smile and let her read the book to me.

I'm so proud of her. :)

Tired

I'm tired. Just tired of struggling. Tired of everything being so complicated. Tired of having to think about everything. Tired of having to do it by myself. Tired of being a bitch all the time from being tired of everything. Tired of being alone. Tired of knowing what I want, but can't seem to get there. Tired of other people playing games. Just tired of it all.

Starting out

A friend recently introduced me to this blog site. I read her blogs; I have to say she's a pretty good blogger. I read two months worth of her blogs. Pretty interesting stuff. I don't like writing in a journal. I have tried it several times. A feelings journal - failed. A journal to log what I'm eating - failed. Thoughts of my daughter - failed. My thoughts go faster than what I can think. But I can type almost as fast as the thoughts come. So I'm sure I have found a place to share my thoughts. If not with people I know, then people I don't know and to get the satisfaction that my thoughts weren't lost or wasted.



I'm not a very poetic person. So if you are going to read my blog, I think that's great and I thank you in advance for wanting to do so. But I will have to say that if you are looking for poetics, fancy language (which I can use on occasion if I choose to), or some type of exciting life changing quips, then well, um, you probably won't find it in my blog. But read anyway. You never know you might learn that I'm just like everybody else; just with a little more attitude.



I'm going to end this entry for now. I have to get my dear daughter off the bus. Normally, she's a car rider, but today she's gonna chill on the bus. She keeps begging me to ride the bus anyway.